Being a complete and separate me

I have loved deeply, if not well in my life. For so many years, I defined myself by the relationships I was in. When I had exciting news, I called my significant other first (and sometimes only). I usually only felt comfortable around my family if I had them there as a buffer. I was jealous if they wanted to do something exciting without me. I wanted their company when hanging out with my friends. I wanted more of their time and attention than anyone else got. I assumed a lot about their time and how much of it “belonged” to me. I skipped things that I wanted to do in order to spend time with them. I passed up opportunities to stay close to them. As I look back, it is safe to say that I sacrificed more to the relationships that I was in than they were frequently worth. Even if only because I was not taking care of me within those relationships. Thankfully, I was exactly where I needed to be, because it led me here.

Polyamory has opened me up to taking care of me and my priorities first so that I can truly be a complete person in or out of relationships. I am more in tune with my emotions and needs (and learning more every day). I am learning to use my jealousy and fear like a compass. They tell me where to go, in order to learn what I need to be comfortable with me. I am learning to save my competitive nature for important things like swimming distances instead of silly things like whether or not one of my sweeties is in love with someone else. I mean seriously... my partner being in love with someone else means that they are happy, excited, and probably learning new tricks in the bedroom. Why would I want that to be any different than it is? Swimming distances however, if someone can open water swim farther than me, I want to push myself until I can pass them. These are the things to be competitive about. The things that make you want to improve yourself. (Okay... and maybe Killer Bunnies; the best game that you will never fully understand). My sweeties having sex and connection with other people? Beautiful. It means that I don’t have to try to mold myself to be everything they want in a relationship. I don’t have to try to be involved in all of their interests. Because honestly, some of them just aren’t interesting to me. They have other friends and lovers for that. It also means that they learn new things, find new interests, and keep growing as people. People that we know intimately always change us. They teach us things about ourselves and what we want and need. I have learned something and grown in every relationship I’ve ever been in and I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything. Even the ones that I feel like I stayed too long or can’t figure out what I was doing there. I don’t ever want to stop having that growth in my life for myself or my sweeties. I feel more separate from them in healthy ways. I am reminded by that separateness that we are individual people and we don’t always have to agree and want the same thing and that we meet at certain points and diverge at others. At the same time as I feel more separate, I also feel more able to commit myself to other people, relationships, and maybe children than I ever have in my life. I realize now that I don’t have to sacrifice me to be with someone or commit to a child. I will be a better partner and mother if I am me and if I continue to grow.

Why?

I’ve been thinking for a while about how I want more positive reflections of polyamory in the media. For years, I’ve wanted to see or read about other people’s experiences both to learn from them and simply to feel the kind of validation that comes from seeing others work on and succeed or fail at things that are important to you. It’s a beautiful thing to see reflections of yourself in the world at large. It is something that I don’t take for granted, for a lot of reasons, which I will discuss some other time. I was recently accepted for a graduate psychology program in Couple and Family Therapy, in part because of the essay I wrote stating my desire to specialize in counseling people in polyamorous relationships and families. The world is changing and the poly community is growing. We need more resources and reflections of ourselves and our varied lives to be public. That is the reason I am beginning this blog. I wish to provide a view into one of the endless number of ways to be polyamorous. I hope that it is helpful, or at least amusing.

PS. I'll be excited about any sort of feedback people have or links to other poly blogs.